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Hi all - just wondering if anyone has experience of dealing with a spouse who has received a bipolar diagnosis? For context, d-day was about 6 weeks ago - it was an affair but, allegedly, a couple of encounters spread over months rather than anything intense. He immediately attempted to take his own life after he confessed and has tried on a few other occasions, claiming he doesn’t recognise himself. He’s subsequently been diagnosed as bipolar and having a hypomanic episode during the period in question and is now in a depressive one. I fully believe the diagnosis/mania as his behaviour defied logic for a single person, let alone a married one. His whole behaviour even outside the infidelity was bizarre. I just have no idea where to go from here. He says he doesn’t believe it excuses his behaviour and he’s terrified of the future, is engaging with help/medication but says it’s like looking back at someone who wasn’t him.

I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s lived through similar?

My sister has been diagnosed as bipolar. Her XWH cheated - she didn't.

While it may have some contributory factors for your WH, he knew what he was doing was wrong and could have made different decisions. Like talking to you, ya know?

There are several members with varying degrees of mental illness woven into their stories. I hope they'll chime in and help provide guidance.

Yes. My WH appears to have bipolar 2. He got extensive therapy which did help. I don't have a lot of suggestions but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

My wife is not bipolar but I have a lot of experience with people who are. I have two close friends with the disorder and I have supervised people with bipolar diagnoses. But most of my experience comes from representing psych hospitals. Bipolar is a serious mental illness for which there is no cure. Many people with it do incredibly risky things when in the manic phase. The depressed phase carries real risk of suicide. Some people become psychotic and lose touch with reality. Self medication with alcohol or drugs is very common. I have met bipolar people who were so manic that they really were not responsible for their actions. For instance, I had a hearing where the person, a retired physician, was arrested after leading 20 police cars on a high speed chase for more than 30 miles on a busy interstate with speeds in excess of 110 mph. She never would have done that if she’d been on her meds. Didn’t make it not a crime or not hugely dangerous. She’d been well regulated on meds for 30 years and was a well respected doctor. I had several cases where manic people were caught shoplifting, including an Air Force Colonel and a university professor. The diagnosis was not a legal excuse and it did not overwhelm their senses of right from wrong, but it did cause the mania and the urge for risk taking.

The illness is incurable but it is treatable. The key is finding a good doc and the right meds at the right doses and then taking the meds. A lot of people with bipolar actually enjoy the manic phase. They have boundless energy, no need for sleep, feelings of exhilaration, and creative outbursts. One of my good friends tells me that when he is manic that it feels like he is flying. That is one of the big reasons for medication non-compliance. You may or may not see your husband as a reconciliation candidate, but if he does not take meds I can assure you that he’ll be a horror show and it will get worse, with the specter of suicide ever present when he inevitably crashes to earth after exhaustion from the mania.

Bipolar disorder is not a get out of jail free card for bad behavior but it could provide the answer to why did he do this crappy stuff and risk his wife and his family.